We all have colleagues we find difficult. Sometimes it can feel like you constantly disagree, leading you to avoid situations with that colleague, or attempting to force things through, feeding resentment and negativity on both sides. When dealing with a troubled relationship, the most important thing is to use a task-oriented approach to identify possible systemic problems, writes Jonathan Scott. Achieving a balance between objectives and relationships may be difficult when you and a colleague have strong personal differences or competing objectives. Maintaining this balance can be even more delicate when you and the other person have a history of personality clashes or deep interpersonal conflicts. Relationship problems can also make you reluctant to use some influence styles. If you frequently disagree with the target’s logic, you may be reluctant to use Persuading as you have no interest in hearing the target’s proposals and reasons when you so frequently find fault with their underlying facts or data. If you distrust your colleague, you may avoid Bridging behaviours – disclosing your own anxieties in particular – for fear of losing control of the situation or being taken advantage of. And Attracting may not seem useful if you and the target have deep value conflicts or a troubled history. Such fundamental problems may make you reluctant to engage in any influence attempt at all – the potential benefits of trying to influence the target may be outweighed by potential costs. Plus tricky relationships can make it hard to determine a clear Influence Objective – you’re so focused on the incompatibility issues, that it becomes impossible to see a way through. In short, a dysfunctional relationship can lead you to completely avoid situations with the colleague, to the detriment of your business targets. Therefore the relationship must improve before you and the other person can take any concrete steps, and you need to reach a position of mutual respect and acceptance to ensure genuine commitments can be agreed and acted on. When project assignments, business priorities, or other situational factors driveyou together, the first tactic should be to focus on the task, the collaborative nature of your work, to hopefully increase your chances of improving the relationship. Character flaws or incompatibility factors are not the sole reasons people do not get along – sometimes in can be down to a systemic flaw. So while your first inclination might be to dismiss a person as difficult, rigid or egocentric, the real problem may have to do with the system or structure in which you work. Perhaps the organisational policies and procedures create antagonistic or misaligned working agendas, or perhaps there’s a problem with a more informal organisational system that you have failed to...

We all use combinations of influence styles to meet our business objectives. But some situations will call for you to stay rooted in a specific style. There are certain words and phrases associated with each style or behaviour, and just learning these phrases or prompts can help trigger the kind of conversation you want to have. If you’re being assertive, you’re likely to start a conversation with words like ‘I want you to . . .‘ or ‘I expect you to . . .’ Whereas if you’re trying to attract a colleague to your way of thinking, you’re more likely use phrases such as ‘I share your concern about . . .’ or ‘What I see us doing is . . .’ This of course is only half the battle – it’s all very well having the language of influence, but your delivery, tone of voice and body language, will be the key factors in whether you are successful. On the Positive Power & Influence Programme delegates practise their influence skills through exercises that focus on one style, and more complex role plays that require more subtle combinations. To illustrate the styles we have taken what might be called a standard peer-to-peer situation. In this scenario, the speaker is trying to make meetings more efficient and productive by speeding up a colleague’s team meeting reports. It shows how you might tackle the same problem in a variety of ways. PERSUADING “I’d like to suggest that you prepare your team meeting reports so that they can be presented in ten minutes or less.” “Your past reports to the team have been accurate. In fact, concerns that you have raised have pointed directly to problems that needed to be fixed. However, the minutes of our team meetings indicate that your presentations consume more than 50 percent of available meeting time. In two of the last three meetings, we were unable to cover our entire agenda. As a result, the team was unable to settle on an implementation plan to handle your recommendations. You yourself have voiced this concern about vague action plans.” “I believe that a short, highly focused report will drive the team to action on your recommendations and still allow us to cover our entire meeting agenda.”  ASSERTING “I really enjoy how thorough and well organised your presentations are in team meetings.” “But you take up so much time that I lose momentum and feel under pressure to concentrate on other agenda items.” “I need you to cut your report time in half.” “If you’ll cut your actual report time, I’ll work hard to make sure the other team members give you their full attention at each meeting.” “But...

The Positive Power and Influence Programme allows delegates to practise their influence skills using sometimes unfamiliar styles and behaviours. The core influence styles are persuading, asserting, bridging and attracting, and each style has certain behaviours associated with it. We looked to the silver screen to pick twelve examples of influence in action. Style: Bridging Behaviour: Disclosing Movie: Some Like It Hot Jack Lemon attempts to disclose his way out of marrying a millionaire.   Style: Attracting Behaviour: Sharing Visions Movie: Henry V Kenneth Branagh shares inspiring visions to prepare the lads for Agincourt.   Style: Persuading Behaviour: Reasoning Movie: The Ladykillers Alec Guinness reasons with Katie Johnson, hoping to influence her from going to the police.   Style: Attracting Behaviour: Finding Common Ground Movie: Jaws Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw share scar stories.   Style: Bridging Behaviours: Listening & Involving Movie: 12 Angry Men Henry Fonda bridges with Jack Klugman to get the low down on flick knives.   Styles: Asserting/Persuading Behaviours: Stating Expectations, Proposing & Reasoning Movie: Dr Strangelove George C. Scott seeks to influence Peter Sellers into an all-out attack.   Styles: Persuading/Bridging Behaviours: Reasoning & Listening Movie: When Harry Met Sally Billy Crystal reasons that men and women can never be friends.   Style: Attracting Behaviour: Finding Common Ground Movie: The Princes Bride Cary Elwes and Mandy Patinkin find common ground during a balletic sword fight.   Style: Persuading Behaviours: Proposing & Reasoning Movie: The Hunt For Red October Alec Baldwin proposes that a rogue sub captain may be trying to defect.   Style: Asserting Behaviour: Stating Expectations Movie: Office Space Gary Cole states his expectations to Ron Livingston.   Style: Bridging Behaviours: Listening, Involving & Disclosing Movie: Dr Strangelove Peter Sellers attempts to bridge over a nuclear...

Feedback is an essential ingredient in maintaining your work relationships, and yet it remains an undervalued skill, writes Jonathan Scott. People often assume they are good at giving and receiving feedback. In reality it’s something many struggle with, and avoiding it can lead to dysfunctional blocks forming in your internal and external working relationships. Some people are so uncomfortable about giving negative feedback, they either withdraw from it altogether, or hide negatives amongst so much positive feedback that it fails to have any impact. Others fail to give positive feedback for fear that they will come across as patronizing. Instead they focus on what can be improved, this can quickly lead to people becoming defensive or attempting to justify their behaviour. There’s no quicker way to put up a barrier between yourself and the other person. The trick with feedback is to be open, honest and direct. That doesn’t mean being overly assertive, but on the other hand, you shouldn’t be afraid to state your views, or be afraid of hearing from others. Nicola Lincoln has spent much of the last 14 years running the Positive Power & Influence Programme, where fostering an atmosphere of constructive feedback between delegates is a vital part of the learning. Nicola says: “It’s important, when receiving feedback, to understand that your impact is in the eye of the beholder. It’s how it felt rather than what was meant that is remembered. Let’s say someone tells you that during a meeting you were overly aggressive. You may strongly disagree. And that may not have been you intention, but regardless of your intent, the fact is to that person you have come across as aggressive. Remember that your impact isn’t all in what you say. You could have sounded calm, but perhaps body language – leaning forward, or clenching your jaw perhaps – lead the other person to feel you were being aggressive.” With practice, these tips can help turn feedback from a behaviour you shy away from, to a valuable skill in terms of your influence on others. And if handled correctly it can help you defuse dysfunctional working relationships. Giving feedback 1. Be timely: Give your feedback as soon as possible after the event.  2. Be specific: Describe specific behaviours and reactions, particularly those they should keep and those they should change. 3. Be descriptive, not judgmental: Describe the consequences of others’ behaviour in terms of its impact on you. 4. Own your feedback: Speak for yourself, not others. 5. Be brief: Don’t waffle. Identify one or two behaviours that you wish to comment on, and be direct about how it effects you. 6. Balance your feedback: Be positive about what they do...

You’re all in the meeting to achieve something similar, and just reminding people of that fact can help you overcome roadblocks, writes Nicola Lincoln. If you feel that a meeting is beginning to become bogged down, if the atmosphere is darkening and positions solidifying, it’s important to do something to get over the impasse. Rather than re-stating your position, rather than staying locked in debate, you need to step back from the deadlock and try to change the atmosphere. It’s time to find common ground, to try and enthuse the room with your shared goals, rather than your differences and sticking points. As a nation we’re not always the best at finding common ground. We’re brought up to debate, to stay in the debate, until we win the debate. But there are times when such a single-minded approach won’t work, and will only lead to more delays. Here are three approaches you can bring to a meeting to help reinvigorate the group. 1. Common agenda If you feel the meeting is beginning to sink into the detail, step back and think about why you are all there. What is it you have in common? You must have a common agenda by the very fact that the meeting is taking place, and sometimes, just reminding everyone of that fact is enough. 2. Highlight agreement The whole problem with staying in a state of logical debate, of comparing and contrasting positions, is that it it will only highlight where you disagree, rather than where you agree. Take a moment to stop looking at the sticking points, and remind everyone of the specific points on which you are already agreed. This can be as simple as using phrases like ‘It seems like we’re agreed on this . . .’ or ‘While we disagree on this, we do agree that . . .’ 3. Generate enthusiasm The third tactic is to generate enthusiasm. Talk about how you and the group are feeling about the project – where you are now and where you could be in six months time. Again, you’re all in the meeting for some kind of shared goal, so use open language and phrases to generate a sense of togetherness. In short: enthuse about the future. Think of phrases such as ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we all achieved . . .’ or ‘Just imagine where we could be in six months time. . .’ Talking about the future in this way, attracting others to your shared vision, can help defuse negative tension over the hurdles that seem to be in the way, and help people feel a more determined attitude to overcoming the problems. In the Positive Power &...